Thursday, February 3, 2011

In Love - (NaBloPoMo #2)

This is going to post post-Feb 2, but nonetheless is the second installment of my desire to be disciplined in blogging (i.e. some writing). It's seriously time to sleep! I started this entry in the morning but so much has transpired in the day and now, it's all deleted and I try again...

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What amazes me most about the relationship I'm in is the hard work and the hard questions that we keep asking each other. We cry a lot, we hug, we console, we commit, we hurt, we heal, we laugh, we delight, we share....

There are intense moments that I'm not sure that the work we put in will yield a storybook happy ending. There are moments when I feel a bit like a martyr. The circumstances are not ideal, but really, how many relationships are, I guess...

What I am aware of is that he is alongside me as we hurt and argue and upset each other--he trying not to leave mentally and I also trying to be constantly present. I can feel when he or I are pulling away - it's a humbling knowledge - and it's just as profound when we are aware that the other is fighting the instinct with all our might and not barricade and shut out the other.

I do know he makes me feel alive. I've not felt this acute sense of joy and hurt since perhaps living in Okinawa. I am fully living and for that I am incredibly thankful, for it is the journey in this life that I believe will measure the quality of our lives.

He listens, he remembers, he contemplates and he communicates. I am a very lucky woman. There are a few more bumps and hurdles that we are cognizant of that we must weather in the near future, and although we are a little worried, I do have faith that we are committed to doing our best to make this work - honestly and in real time. No harboring of feelings unexpressed - open, raw, honest and real. I am amazed that I have found a partner that is willing to do this.

I am so in love.

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