Six months later....

I've traveled a distance from my last post.

So much I've wanted to share, but situation hasn't been quite right for that. Things may change soon.

I just know I miss blogging. I came across a copy of blog entries that I did in 2004 over just a four or five month period. That blog disappeared into thin air when someone hacked the server on Journalspace. The community that I had been part of was wiped out by the hands of some disgruntled person.... I thought I lost it all, but I did find some.

And as I read it over, I was reminded of how much blogging was a part of my self-expression as well as "working things out." My own self-development, so to speak...

I just felt the need to post an entry. Hoping to be back on more regularly in a few weeks...

Adding a photo of dear Enisha who will be married at the end of this month. This was taken circa 2004 when I was back for a short visit from Okinawa....



Neediness?

Today is the first day/moment in my new relationship that I feel extremely needy. It's such an odd thing. The emotions are under control, at bay at the moment, so I can write about it...

He has been encouraging me to express what I want. Even if it means inconveniencing him (and others, too). I just am not good at that. So little by little, I've been risking and expressing. I sometimes make great progress and other times I know I take steps back.

I told him that by not having expectations of a person, I can circumvent the possibility of getting hurt when those expectations are not met. Today, he changed his mind about spending the day with me but because he said he would spend it with me, I had this "expectation."

He asked me, "Do you need me to go with you tomorrow?"

I thought about it honestly. I didn't. I could drive myself, I would be running around. The two other times he accompanied me, I could not attend to him very much. So, before he said he would come with me last week, I wouldn't have minded if he said he wouldn't go.

But then he did. I tried to release him of going and he said, no, I want to spend the day with you.  So the little girl inside me accepted that he would be there and I expected it. I thought of how we might walk the garden again together. I thought of the drive up. I thought of him in the audience. My internal vision of the day included him in it.

So now I feel bereft. A little abandoned. I've been struggling with this all morning. This was the first morning he didn't quite walk me out. This was the first time he didn't wake up fully. I couldn't make it out of the driveway without bursting into tears. I actually thought, is this an instance that is appropriate to express what I want? It would inconvenience him, but if I told him that I really wanted him there, I suspect he would go. And I would feel.... guilty, I guess.

He didn't say why he wanted the day off exactly. Maybe that's what's bothering me?

I came home and cried in the shower, too.

This is the Yuko that I loathed in prior relationships. I become "needy" and the man is repelled by it. He says he's only here to serve me. The moment he is not fawning all over me, reassuring me that he loves me, he is constantly thinking of me, doesn't want to be apart from me....

I know I have to tell him this is how I felt. Will I tell him tonight or a little later? But I also know that he will probably be upset that I didn't tell him at that time.

The well of confusion and raw emotion just is too new, but all too familiar. I spent hours with my folks this morning - more than I have in months - and I was trying to gather fortitude. Perspective at least.

But then another friend asked me if I wanted to ride up together for the performance we have this afternoon and I felt like a little kid and wanted to say yes. To surround myself with friends and not be alone with my thoughts like this. I wanted to cry. But it wasn't practical for I need to go up early and stay late (or do I?)

Or, I am afraid of inconveniencing them, too?

It is painful to be thought of as a bother, a nuisance or inconvenience.

I love my man. He has doubts. Last night we hit hard on someone that I had considered a friend and he sharply/gently pointed out to me that this person wasn't a friend. That I'd been "had." It was a most painful realization and it also put me in state of insecurity. How many more relationships do I have to reevaluate that way. Do I need to?

He says he wonders about my judgement. This is shaking me to my core. I am fearful of what I thought was sound judgement in certain circumstances. I am trying to sort through that and would have liked to have him by my side today.

A part of me thinks that this emotional conflict I'm feeling is probably good. If he was still spending the day with me, I may not have dealt with what happened yesterday. Instead, I would have just basked in the security of his presence, just rest in the warmth of his love. Not having him with me is illustrating how much he has come to mean to me. To face this fear or him somehow hurting/abandoning me, to making sense of what is "needy" vs just expressing want/desire.

What is neediness anyway?

Opening the Heart...

This is where I write that no woman should ever settle for less than the whole package - the real deal. Real Love, Passion, Soulful Connection.

Other women have told me the same, but being virtually alone for 39 years and just a string of exploring, sometimes unhealthy liaisons, I was certain that if I didn't want to be alone, I had to take matters into my own hand. And perhaps even "settle."

My saving grace was probably my eternal hope that things do work out. My saving grace was believing in the law of attraction.

We are still coming together. It's a path wrought full of some difficult areas, but each day I see the inevitability and the growth and the adventures of a full and unorthodox life unfolding. I don't think it will be a difficult life, just difficult areas that require healing, of which we've been doing since the day we met.

My heart is not open. It's still a little hard. I love him and yet he knows I am still aching because I can't give him my full heart yet. He is healing my body, my spirit, and my heart. He is rapidly becoming all I ever need.

That is a difficult thing to swallow as I have always thought my friends and family were all I needed. How does one reconcile that this one person is rapidly becoming everything to me?

This entry doesn't feel quite right, but I will post because I need to put it out there. I'm stopped up and part of it is not writing.

Given that I want to spend all of my free time with him, I am unbalanced. And given the very hard work we do - healing, therapy, loving, empowering - it's exhausting. Each time we part, we have traveled millions of miles. I want to reflect on the growth, but I'm exhausted. We sob, we laugh, we play, we train, we love, we confront, we probe, we comfort, we love, we Love, we LOVE...

I will be writing more....

traveling light years

I haven't been able to write. But my life is changing. I'm never going to be the same again. I don't quite know where this is going to lead, but right now, I know with whom I'll be traveling for awhile.... if not the rest of my life.

Dying to write...

I feel unusually clear today. Conscious. Aware. I noticed it right after I got into work. There's shift happening. And I know it's source. Or sources. It's gratifying, terrifying, thrilling, moving, and serene even.

And I'm dying to write about it. Must do work. But had to put out into the Universe that I'm awake. Looking for the delicious moment to begin putting words to "paper", so to speak.

Eve of 39

On the eve of my 39th birthday, and feeling ambivalent. Growing older does not worry me... well, wait. what does "growing older" mean anyway?

Accumulating the years is not as distressing as accumulating the years and seeing each one pass as one that was not lived to its potential. Ah yes, that is what gets my goat.

I remember my roomie in college that cried when she turned 21 because she didn't want to get older. I wonder about that. Was it mortality that she worried about? Or independence and adulthood that she wasn't ready for? Most people at that age are so excited, they can hardly contain themselves.

39 years and my life isn't what it should be. Do I know what I want, though?

The rub, the rub...

Yoga Release

Last night during yoga, I started to cry. In reclining pigeon against the wall, resting a bit, I started to think about Okinawa, about the real possibility of going in June and thinking of the people that I long to see and started to think about cousin, Mayumi, who passed away over a year ago. I saw myself giving incense at aunty's house and I just started to tear. With my eyes closed and covered with my favorite lavender eye pillow, I just started to cry.

I then savored in the feeling of, well, FEELING. A tangible discernible emotion. Clear and strong. I was struck with the thought that these days, I don't feel.

Most likely because I am infused with more negativity, even that I keep at bay because I couldn't stand to be consumed... but it felt right to feel, though it was sadness last night.

I am bottled up, stopped up, faded colors of feeling. This must change.

Trying to reset

I'm tired of my life. I don't want to say so outloud because I know this is the life that I've created. But pretending it's okay or what I intend it to be demands a snort. It is not.

And "knowing better" than to vent about it, is not serving me at the moment.

The negative voices in my head have been getting louder and louder and are practically screaming. What's up with waking up berating myself for the previous night.... or feeling dragged down by thoughts of stressful tasks that await me when I literally wake-up.... I don't want to live like this.

And I don't feel like writing, right now. In fact, I haven't felt like writing in ages. Just need to flex the muscle.

Physically, socially, career-wise, relationship-wise, living situation-wise.... so much to be desired. What kind of manual could I write about ending up where I am now?

I feel like I might have a made a wrong turn somewhere.

I know it's not too late. It's never too late.

Just need to get my bearings. And it's too overwhelming to try and think about trying to change all of it, so it's one thing at a time, I guess....

My purpose. How do I contribute to this planet?

How do I bring unconditional love back into my life?

How do I bring joy in my daily life?

I wake up feeling a little disgusted, annoyed, critical, despairing..... I'm tired of that.

RESET.