Saturday, November 28, 2009

Achille's Heel

Low self-esteem.

It's cliche, sounds adolescent. Yet, I think it can be the complete undoing of great human potential. It's not dramatic nor tragic; it's insidious.

And that is my achille's heel.

the unexamined life

It's been a couple of years since I last blogged. When living in Okinawa, I blogged like mad - partially to document what I was doing, partly for my friends overseas, but mostly to really delve and hash out the process, the journey....

Writing, journaling, is the way I examine my life and I often feel askew when I am not writing - on a blog or on paper...  I've been feeling way off for a while now...

Partly because as I was leaving Okinawa, I was so distressed emotionally that I had a hard time transitioning back to my life in the US. As a result, I became a bit of recluse. Then in the most symbolic way, the blog I had completely disappeared when some hacker sabotaged and destroyed the server that hosted my journal. I was not the only one affected, but somehow it really felt like my life and time in Okinawa, which had until then been the most amazing, synchronistic period of my life, was deemed insignificant.

It wasn't the primary cause, but with that erasure as well as the ties that were severed with the online community that I had grown to care about.... I became apathetic. Socially, I found myself disconnecting rather than re-connecting with my dear old friends; I ended up punishing myself, even as I outwardly tried to show an effort to start the new chapter of my life.

Well, it's now more than 3 years since I've returned and while things have been happening--not all bad, of course, I know I feel like I haven't been living. Instead, I'm drifting, and I know it and I hate it and I haven't been sure what to do...

Except to start writing. Starting the process of writing, blogging, to stare down the fears of examining my life. To face the truth: I'm not living the life I'm meant to. I'm not living the best life that I can. I'm not living purposefully or deliberately, but rather by default.

And I'm tired of it.

This blog may take many directions, it may stall, it may jump tracks, it might be my salvation. Or not. For now, it will be one tool that I hope to utilize honestly, and with possible witnesses. I intend to claim my power as the creator of my life. As cliche as that sounds, what I mean, is that I am trying to wake up from this coma and shape my life into one that is me, that reflects who I am.