Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Eve of 39

On the eve of my 39th birthday, and feeling ambivalent. Growing older does not worry me... well, wait. what does "growing older" mean anyway?

Accumulating the years is not as distressing as accumulating the years and seeing each one pass as one that was not lived to its potential. Ah yes, that is what gets my goat.

I remember my roomie in college that cried when she turned 21 because she didn't want to get older. I wonder about that. Was it mortality that she worried about? Or independence and adulthood that she wasn't ready for? Most people at that age are so excited, they can hardly contain themselves.

39 years and my life isn't what it should be. Do I know what I want, though?

The rub, the rub...

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Yoga Release

Last night during yoga, I started to cry. In reclining pigeon against the wall, resting a bit, I started to think about Okinawa, about the real possibility of going in June and thinking of the people that I long to see and started to think about cousin, Mayumi, who passed away over a year ago. I saw myself giving incense at aunty's house and I just started to tear. With my eyes closed and covered with my favorite lavender eye pillow, I just started to cry.

I then savored in the feeling of, well, FEELING. A tangible discernible emotion. Clear and strong. I was struck with the thought that these days, I don't feel.

Most likely because I am infused with more negativity, even that I keep at bay because I couldn't stand to be consumed... but it felt right to feel, though it was sadness last night.

I am bottled up, stopped up, faded colors of feeling. This must change.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Trying to reset

I'm tired of my life. I don't want to say so outloud because I know this is the life that I've created. But pretending it's okay or what I intend it to be demands a snort. It is not.

And "knowing better" than to vent about it, is not serving me at the moment.

The negative voices in my head have been getting louder and louder and are practically screaming. What's up with waking up berating myself for the previous night.... or feeling dragged down by thoughts of stressful tasks that await me when I literally wake-up.... I don't want to live like this.

And I don't feel like writing, right now. In fact, I haven't felt like writing in ages. Just need to flex the muscle.

Physically, socially, career-wise, relationship-wise, living situation-wise.... so much to be desired. What kind of manual could I write about ending up where I am now?

I feel like I might have a made a wrong turn somewhere.

I know it's not too late. It's never too late.

Just need to get my bearings. And it's too overwhelming to try and think about trying to change all of it, so it's one thing at a time, I guess....

My purpose. How do I contribute to this planet?

How do I bring unconditional love back into my life?

How do I bring joy in my daily life?

I wake up feeling a little disgusted, annoyed, critical, despairing..... I'm tired of that.