Friday, February 4, 2011

Denise's Healing Journey (NaBloPoMo #4)

Received a card from my dear friend, Denise. It was a thank you card for a gift I sent on Christmas. I wasn't sure if she'd get it, but she did and I am touched that she took time out to send a card.

As she herself has put it, she is on a cancer journey, on her way to heal. She has been wonderfully open and brave and sharing her triumphs and difficult moments via her blog with the help of her family members, namely her mother. She began blogging on November 30 where she told her readers and supporters:
I wish for you to not to think of this as something ugly or bad but simply something that is here as part of my journey in this life.  I ask that you continue to keep your thoughts of me in the light, positive and of a healing nature.  I don't feel negative/sad thoughts of or for me or the cancer will help any.  Whatever your belief in a higher power I would appreciate your thoughts/prayers/meditations/good wishes...whatever your modality. 
Denise has the right outlook and amazing perspective and I believe that she will overcome this challenge. She is inspiring her friends and family and her spirit and strength is touching others.

I've known Denise for over just over 20 years since college days when we both worked in the residential life area. (I'll try to dig up a photo to share in the near future.) We were programmers and then Resident Advisors together. She has the bestest smile with a no-nonsense approach and a strong chuckle that can coax a smile even if you're not sure why she's laughing. Intelligent, beautiful, social and confident, she was always lots of fun to be around.

Since college, we haven't lived close to one another, although she has made many trips and attempts to keep in touch with all of the RA folks that are still in the southern CA area. She is the one that you can count on and expect will have solutions to everything.

Which is why, even more so, as she is going through a difficult period, she still has the solution and you feel she's got it covered. All I want to do is cheer her on and send whatever I can to add to her already powerful spirit.

It need not be said that there are many different types of people in our lives - ones that are constantly with us, those only for a short while, and then those that though not constant, leave an indelible impression. Denise and I were never as close as she or I were with other RAs that we worked with, but she will always have a special place in my heart and I look forward to having an RA get together when she is well again.

If you are so inclined, please send healing and positive vibes to my friend in Manteca!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Annoying people (NaBloPoMo #3)

Think about someone who annoys you. Write a list of everything you don't like about them, and then write a list of all the things that you're grateful that they've shown you about yourself.
This one is kind of funny. If you know me well, there are very few people that annoy me. Mostly, I think I have enough patience and empathy to deal with most people. Yet there are definitely those that really Get. My. Goat.

And just as the writing prompt suggests - list things that they've shown you... well, that is the rub, yes? What I think is most telling if a person will be honest enough to examine themselves is just that. Whatever it is that annoys us of another is usually something within us that needs much resolving.

Of course if you are the kind of person that is constantly annoyed with other people? Either you're perfect, or have a lot of self-development to do, methinks.

There are some people that I have to "work" with that truly annoy me. If I could relegate the context of how I relate to these people, like just socially for example, I think we could get along fine. However, work? That means I gotta rely on you, and you've got to see me as a team member and we gots to communicate and understand what outcome each of us envisions.

What don't I like about these people in particular?
  1. Only aware of their own agenda
  2. Won't really listen to feedback and input to larger cause/mission/picture
  3. Doesn't know how to be a team player
  4. Manipulates people/decisions behind the scene
  5. Doesn't know what they don't know - Ugh!
  6. Think they know everything
  7. Because they are motivated to help, they assume any action they take is acceptable and benign
  8. Can't read the social environment or temperature
  9. Says things to look good
  10. Thinks they're being helpful, but actually creating more chaos
  11. They are not detail-oriented
  12. They create more work for me
Things that I'm grateful that they've shown me about myself (grrrrr):
  1. They've shown me that I need to have more compassion and ponder what motivates other people. In that, I can find patience. (I have to find it multiple times in some cases...)
  2. They've shown me that although not in title or position, I do have the power to influence
  3. They've shown me that I will strive to be fair, even if it means I will not get what I want
  4. They've shown me that I must work to climb out of the occasional self-pity and need to step up, though I don't want to take responsibility in areas that I know I'm best served to speak up
  5. They've shown me that I can gauge the temperature of a group and move accordingly
  6. They've shown me that despite my growing confidence in my intuition, I still "overreact" -
  7. Therefore, they've shown me that I need to take a breath before speaking...
  8. They've shown me that I have aspirations and ambition, too, in areas that I didn't know I did
  9. They've shown me that I am a novice when it comes to understanding what things I cannot control and simply need to "LET GO"
  10. They've shown me that "letting go" does not mean not caring, it's understanding what things are worth fighting for
  11. They've shown me that it's not the end of the world when things aren't 100% optimal or what I would've wanted because I "let go...
The thing that sticks out most is that I'd say that I've learned that success is defined in many ways. Success has different looks. I try hard to be in control of things - possibly because I am capable of doing so... but the reality is that one cannot really control things... but these people that annoy me and I must "work" with them in some capacity--well, they really show me that I'm really not in control and I don't like that.

And the truth is, there will inevitably be moments when these "annoying" people actually are my strongest allies. This is very ANNOYING in itself. It means, I really need to get over myself.

Sigh.

I wonder how I annoy people.... (Feedback welcome!)

    In Love - (NaBloPoMo #2)

    This is going to post post-Feb 2, but nonetheless is the second installment of my desire to be disciplined in blogging (i.e. some writing). It's seriously time to sleep! I started this entry in the morning but so much has transpired in the day and now, it's all deleted and I try again...

    * * *

    What amazes me most about the relationship I'm in is the hard work and the hard questions that we keep asking each other. We cry a lot, we hug, we console, we commit, we hurt, we heal, we laugh, we delight, we share....

    There are intense moments that I'm not sure that the work we put in will yield a storybook happy ending. There are moments when I feel a bit like a martyr. The circumstances are not ideal, but really, how many relationships are, I guess...

    What I am aware of is that he is alongside me as we hurt and argue and upset each other--he trying not to leave mentally and I also trying to be constantly present. I can feel when he or I are pulling away - it's a humbling knowledge - and it's just as profound when we are aware that the other is fighting the instinct with all our might and not barricade and shut out the other.

    I do know he makes me feel alive. I've not felt this acute sense of joy and hurt since perhaps living in Okinawa. I am fully living and for that I am incredibly thankful, for it is the journey in this life that I believe will measure the quality of our lives.

    He listens, he remembers, he contemplates and he communicates. I am a very lucky woman. There are a few more bumps and hurdles that we are cognizant of that we must weather in the near future, and although we are a little worried, I do have faith that we are committed to doing our best to make this work - honestly and in real time. No harboring of feelings unexpressed - open, raw, honest and real. I am amazed that I have found a partner that is willing to do this.

    I am so in love.

    Tuesday, February 1, 2011

    Libraries - National Blog Posting Month NaBloPoMo #1

    Good writing – or is it good reading? – inspires me to write. It may come out of the blue – reading the perfect prose, a poignant poem, a witty quote. Last week, a friend composed the press release for our sanshin group’s upcoming recital – and I was struck. I sat back and as I kept reading, I was mentally nodding, yes, yes, YES!

    I wrote to him to share my appreciation of his words and he shared back that he has been working steadily on his craft, producing.... leaving me with a longing to devote time to my buried words, too. In a PS, he suggested possible projects together – methinks I'm nowhere ready for that... yet! This writing muscle o' mine is quite tight and hard, kind of like my hamstrings… I want to manipulate, massage and mold this muscle until it is pliable, flowing and tender.

    I thought I would begin in the same way one goes about creating habits – by doing something consistently and frequently. Another blogging friend does a blog post daily for the month of November when it is considered the actual National Blog Posting Month – or NaBloPoMo. The website dedicated to NaBloPoMo has since expanded recognizing that people want to participate year round. It's February, and I begin.
    So here I am, Blog Post #1.

    Discipline is just the same concept of a muscle needing to be trained and worked on, to become stronger and more effective…. Getting started (inertia) is probably the hardest. Once momentum is built, like physics, much easier to stay in motion, n'est-ce pas? So, getting the ball rolling…

    * * *

    NaBloPoMo actually assigns themes every month for those that wish to adhere to that. I think I’ll probably just free-flow – just to get going. Unless the suggested “prompt” inspires… which today it does!

    Today's prompt: Who's your favorite character from a book, play, film, or other work of art?

    As my mind starts to flip through a catalogue of things I have seen, read, heard, felt…. I do have my favorites. From childhood, I can feel Meg of A Wrinkle in Time poking her head up. Judy Blume’s memorable characters are embedded in my memory, too – Davey of Tiger Eyes and Winnie of Iggie’s House among others. Ponyboy from The Outsiders and Lieutenant Colonel Slade of Scent of a Woman. There’s Eponine from Les Miserables and Jean Valjean, too. I liked Holden Caulfield of Catcher in the Rye…. And yes, I was infatuated with Scully of The X-Files. Not obscure characters, most folks will know of them. There’s even a whole host of women in love who are all blurred from silly Harlequin Romance novels, too, I’m a little embarrassed, but honest enough to admit.

    And yet, more than exploring each of these characters and what they meant/represented to me, I connect the privilege of consuming these characters through: 1) the writers that give birth to them; as well as, 2) the places one can go to do this consuming. Bravo to the men and women who put pen to paper (archaic, I know) and nurture unforgettable characters that touch us in so many ways. And to places like the local bookstore and particularly the library for being a haven and home to these wonderful creations.

    On my birthday (not related in any way), Mr. Phillip Pullman, best-selling author in his own right, delivered an impassioned speech protesting the closure of 20 libraries in his local area. He’s talking about the wonderful world of reading (consuming) and the library and how it nurtures this. I’ve felt that delicious love affair:

    And the secrecy of it! The blessed privacy! No-one else can get in the way, no-one else can invade it, no-one else even knows what’s going on in that wonderful space that opens up between the reader and the book. That open democratic space full of thrills, full of excitement and fear, full of astonishment, where your own emotions and ideas are given back to you clarified, magnified, purified, valued. You’re a citizen of that great democratic space that opens up between you and the book. And the body that gave it to you is the public library. Can I possibly convey the magnitude of that gift?”
    He goes on to rail against the "greedy ghost of market madness" - condemning the the publishers who choose which writers and works they will publish based on "best-selling" lists, as well as the supposed stewards who want to cut funding from these societal treasures. It defends the library and the librarians for the service they provide, for the nurturing of citizens, both intellectually, pratically and emotionally.

    When the idea of volunteers running libraries was offered as a solution to these cuts, he makes a sharp point that perhaps "they" do not really know or appreciate what a librarian's work entails... I have often thought about studying the library sciences. Though the budgets for these magnificent institutions are constantly in danger of being cut (or actually are being cut), I still harbor a secret desire to become a librarian. They are so cool!

    I imagine having all of the books and resources at one's fingertips. If not to devour the material myself, to catalogue and to assist others in their quest for Data and Knowledge. Of course, chances are I might be like the person who is trying to organize and reads every single scrap piece of paper and not actually getting anywhere with the task at hand. But still!

    I recall my favorite librarian at the Gardena public library (that has been renamed the Mayme Dear Library since) who also was my mentor. Rows of books still thrill me – just as the local bookstore does, too. I love books!

    I love libraries. I spent everyday after attending Denker Avenue Elementary at the Mayme Dear Library where I hung out with friends and read and studied until my mother could pick me up after her work at 5pm. I was not a latchkey kid. I was a latch-library kid. And that is where I met many of my unforgettable characters. Ones who not only taught me compassion and helped me understand what a viewpoint was and the validity of each. Characters that made me realize that every person dwells within me.

    Long live the Library!

    To read the speech in its entirety, click here.

    Thursday, November 11, 2010

    Six months later....

    I've traveled a distance from my last post.

    So much I've wanted to share, but situation hasn't been quite right for that. Things may change soon.

    I just know I miss blogging. I came across a copy of blog entries that I did in 2004 over just a four or five month period. That blog disappeared into thin air when someone hacked the server on Journalspace. The community that I had been part of was wiped out by the hands of some disgruntled person.... I thought I lost it all, but I did find some.

    And as I read it over, I was reminded of how much blogging was a part of my self-expression as well as "working things out." My own self-development, so to speak...

    I just felt the need to post an entry. Hoping to be back on more regularly in a few weeks...
    Adding a photo of dear Enisha who will be married at the end of this month. This was taken circa 2004 when I was back for a short visit from Okinawa....

    

    Sunday, May 23, 2010

    Neediness?

    Today is the first day/moment in my new relationship that I feel extremely needy. It's such an odd thing. The emotions are under control, at bay at the moment, so I can write about it...

    He has been encouraging me to express what I want. Even if it means inconveniencing him (and others, too). I just am not good at that. So little by little, I've been risking and expressing. I sometimes make great progress and other times I know I take steps back.

    I told him that by not having expectations of a person, I can circumvent the possibility of getting hurt when those expectations are not met. Today, he changed his mind about spending the day with me but because he said he would spend it with me, I had this "expectation."

    He asked me, "Do you need me to go with you tomorrow?"

    I thought about it honestly. I didn't. I could drive myself, I would be running around. The two other times he accompanied me, I could not attend to him very much. So, before he said he would come with me last week, I wouldn't have minded if he said he wouldn't go.

    But then he did. I tried to release him of going and he said, no, I want to spend the day with you.  So the little girl inside me accepted that he would be there and I expected it. I thought of how we might walk the garden again together. I thought of the drive up. I thought of him in the audience. My internal vision of the day included him in it.

    So now I feel bereft. A little abandoned. I've been struggling with this all morning. This was the first morning he didn't quite walk me out. This was the first time he didn't wake up fully. I couldn't make it out of the driveway without bursting into tears. I actually thought, is this an instance that is appropriate to express what I want? It would inconvenience him, but if I told him that I really wanted him there, I suspect he would go. And I would feel.... guilty, I guess.

    He didn't say why he wanted the day off exactly. Maybe that's what's bothering me?

    I came home and cried in the shower, too.

    This is the Yuko that I loathed in prior relationships. I become "needy" and the man is repelled by it. He says he's only here to serve me. The moment he is not fawning all over me, reassuring me that he loves me, he is constantly thinking of me, doesn't want to be apart from me....

    I know I have to tell him this is how I felt. Will I tell him tonight or a little later? But I also know that he will probably be upset that I didn't tell him at that time.

    The well of confusion and raw emotion just is too new, but all too familiar. I spent hours with my folks this morning - more than I have in months - and I was trying to gather fortitude. Perspective at least.

    But then another friend asked me if I wanted to ride up together for the performance we have this afternoon and I felt like a little kid and wanted to say yes. To surround myself with friends and not be alone with my thoughts like this. I wanted to cry. But it wasn't practical for I need to go up early and stay late (or do I?)

    Or, I am afraid of inconveniencing them, too?

    It is painful to be thought of as a bother, a nuisance or inconvenience.

    I love my man. He has doubts. Last night we hit hard on someone that I had considered a friend and he sharply/gently pointed out to me that this person wasn't a friend. That I'd been "had." It was a most painful realization and it also put me in state of insecurity. How many more relationships do I have to reevaluate that way. Do I need to?

    He says he wonders about my judgement. This is shaking me to my core. I am fearful of what I thought was sound judgement in certain circumstances. I am trying to sort through that and would have liked to have him by my side today.

    A part of me thinks that this emotional conflict I'm feeling is probably good. If he was still spending the day with me, I may not have dealt with what happened yesterday. Instead, I would have just basked in the security of his presence, just rest in the warmth of his love. Not having him with me is illustrating how much he has come to mean to me. To face this fear or him somehow hurting/abandoning me, to making sense of what is "needy" vs just expressing want/desire.

    What is neediness anyway?

    Thursday, May 6, 2010

    Opening the Heart...

    This is where I write that no woman should ever settle for less than the whole package - the real deal. Real Love, Passion, Soulful Connection.

    Other women have told me the same, but being virtually alone for 39 years and just a string of exploring, sometimes unhealthy liaisons, I was certain that if I didn't want to be alone, I had to take matters into my own hand. And perhaps even "settle."

    My saving grace was probably my eternal hope that things do work out. My saving grace was believing in the law of attraction.

    We are still coming together. It's a path wrought full of some difficult areas, but each day I see the inevitability and the growth and the adventures of a full and unorthodox life unfolding. I don't think it will be a difficult life, just difficult areas that require healing, of which we've been doing since the day we met.

    My heart is not open. It's still a little hard. I love him and yet he knows I am still aching because I can't give him my full heart yet. He is healing my body, my spirit, and my heart. He is rapidly becoming all I ever need.

    That is a difficult thing to swallow as I have always thought my friends and family were all I needed. How does one reconcile that this one person is rapidly becoming everything to me?

    This entry doesn't feel quite right, but I will post because I need to put it out there. I'm stopped up and part of it is not writing.

    Given that I want to spend all of my free time with him, I am unbalanced. And given the very hard work we do - healing, therapy, loving, empowering - it's exhausting. Each time we part, we have traveled millions of miles. I want to reflect on the growth, but I'm exhausted. We sob, we laugh, we play, we train, we love, we confront, we probe, we comfort, we love, we Love, we LOVE...

    I will be writing more....