Sunday, May 23, 2010


Today is the first day/moment in my new relationship that I feel extremely needy. It's such an odd thing. The emotions are under control, at bay at the moment, so I can write about it...

He has been encouraging me to express what I want. Even if it means inconveniencing him (and others, too). I just am not good at that. So little by little, I've been risking and expressing. I sometimes make great progress and other times I know I take steps back.

I told him that by not having expectations of a person, I can circumvent the possibility of getting hurt when those expectations are not met. Today, he changed his mind about spending the day with me but because he said he would spend it with me, I had this "expectation."

He asked me, "Do you need me to go with you tomorrow?"

I thought about it honestly. I didn't. I could drive myself, I would be running around. The two other times he accompanied me, I could not attend to him very much. So, before he said he would come with me last week, I wouldn't have minded if he said he wouldn't go.

But then he did. I tried to release him of going and he said, no, I want to spend the day with you.  So the little girl inside me accepted that he would be there and I expected it. I thought of how we might walk the garden again together. I thought of the drive up. I thought of him in the audience. My internal vision of the day included him in it.

So now I feel bereft. A little abandoned. I've been struggling with this all morning. This was the first morning he didn't quite walk me out. This was the first time he didn't wake up fully. I couldn't make it out of the driveway without bursting into tears. I actually thought, is this an instance that is appropriate to express what I want? It would inconvenience him, but if I told him that I really wanted him there, I suspect he would go. And I would feel.... guilty, I guess.

He didn't say why he wanted the day off exactly. Maybe that's what's bothering me?

I came home and cried in the shower, too.

This is the Yuko that I loathed in prior relationships. I become "needy" and the man is repelled by it. He says he's only here to serve me. The moment he is not fawning all over me, reassuring me that he loves me, he is constantly thinking of me, doesn't want to be apart from me....

I know I have to tell him this is how I felt. Will I tell him tonight or a little later? But I also know that he will probably be upset that I didn't tell him at that time.

The well of confusion and raw emotion just is too new, but all too familiar. I spent hours with my folks this morning - more than I have in months - and I was trying to gather fortitude. Perspective at least.

But then another friend asked me if I wanted to ride up together for the performance we have this afternoon and I felt like a little kid and wanted to say yes. To surround myself with friends and not be alone with my thoughts like this. I wanted to cry. But it wasn't practical for I need to go up early and stay late (or do I?)

Or, I am afraid of inconveniencing them, too?

It is painful to be thought of as a bother, a nuisance or inconvenience.

I love my man. He has doubts. Last night we hit hard on someone that I had considered a friend and he sharply/gently pointed out to me that this person wasn't a friend. That I'd been "had." It was a most painful realization and it also put me in state of insecurity. How many more relationships do I have to reevaluate that way. Do I need to?

He says he wonders about my judgement. This is shaking me to my core. I am fearful of what I thought was sound judgement in certain circumstances. I am trying to sort through that and would have liked to have him by my side today.

A part of me thinks that this emotional conflict I'm feeling is probably good. If he was still spending the day with me, I may not have dealt with what happened yesterday. Instead, I would have just basked in the security of his presence, just rest in the warmth of his love. Not having him with me is illustrating how much he has come to mean to me. To face this fear or him somehow hurting/abandoning me, to making sense of what is "needy" vs just expressing want/desire.

What is neediness anyway?

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