Saturday, October 6, 2012

Reducing Stress (may) = Letting People Down

To do today:

Send email to Okinawa guests
Prepare and pack costume for performance in Rosemead
Prep songbook and make copies
Send email directions to a member
Perform at Moon Festival in Rosemead
Plan supplemental foods for Welcome Party on Sun night
Create final week to-do list for Bazaar
Post flyers in local businesses
Call AAA re: dad's driving test
Update OPG scholarship process status - inquire with other kenjinkai, etc.

Yah, it's mostly work.
I crashed early last night, I had had an exhausting day, trying to hold it together though there was a lot going on internally.

I wasn't feeling overwhelmed mentally, so that was a good sign, but my body knew better. My body always tells me, "that's great that you're not mentally freaking, but we know you're under stress..." My IBS has been non-stop. And the fact that I meant to just take a nap and slept through until this morning from about 8:30 last night, post dinner.

I had two doctor's appointments this past week - funny how that happens. When things are going well and I'm on track with my blood sugar and my blood pressure and my eating and exercise habits, I'm not reporting to anyone, but when things start going haywire, right in the middle of the chaos is when I have my check-ins and check-ups. It is a reminder that health as a priority means maintaining that priority through all tides of life.

Because of the doctor's appointments, I am acutely aware that the stress is affecting me physically and I feel a little trapped about how to reduce the stress - or at least, reduce the effects of stress. Countering with breathing and taking breaks, instead of working non-stop without eating or proper rest. It's a catch-22, though, because I feel better mentally uninterrupted because I can plow through the major energy-consuming tasks. But I've worked like that since my 20s. And now I'd like to try the "put self first" to the test to see if that doesn't still produce good results, but better physical health.

Just this one life, and really, will "At least I finished all my work" comfort me when I'm at the end of my life? I highly doubt it. So, my mind imagines, creates scenarios of extrication from the stress. Part of me just wants to quit everything. Just stop EVERYTHING. And that includes the things that I thought brought me sustenance - the arts.

It's not a good sign when those soulful things are also contributing to the stress. My life temporarily without sanshin, dance, koto. Without the Katayabira oral history project, without board meetings and event planning meetings.

What would I do instead?

I would finish going through organizing my things from when I started moving into my current apartment. I would seriously sit and plan for a wedding. I would think about creating creative streams of passive income. I would spend time helping my nephews with homework and learning. I would take more walks, maybe even go on hikes. I would WRITE. I would read more. I would listen to music more. I would write letters to friends that I dearly miss. I would attempt to cook (ha!). I would mend all the clothes and things around the house that need mending. I would do more YOGA. I would definitely meditate more. I would work on developing intuition. I would work on building Qi. I would put time into thinking of "perfect" and not-so-expensive Christmas gifts for family and friends. I would ride a bicycle. Start thinking/training for the triathlon (bucket list). I would help Sterling with developing his practices.

So why can't I do these things now? The truth is, there is a lot of mental clutter from my current commitments. And also, a lot of time is taken from my current work and commitments. If I tried to squeeze these things that I would do "instead, " I would need to get rid of sleep or magically find ways to extend the 24 hour day...

So, I can feel where I'm heading (i.e., the path I need to take), but not mentally ready to let things go. Because to let some of these things go, I understand that I will be letting people down and also letting some of my own hopes for the future of some of those commitments go. I think the letting people down is actually a big one. I just kind of honed in on that.

Ah... Really need to digest that.

And I need to start on the tasks for the day, too....

Grateful for the time to just reflect. Grateful for words. Grateful for Sterling, still sleeping. Grateful for my body that does its best to keep up with me. Grateful for my mental acuity. Grateful for this life and opportunity. Grateful to God and the Universe.

No comments:

Post a Comment