Overtime again...

It's 11:46pm and I just got home. I'm catching up something fierce at work and while I hate the overtime, I'm feeling more in control of things... is that why tonight my blood sugar is lower than it has been in weeks?

I measured at 71 just now.

I don't think that my man is very happy with my late hours as of late, so it's a trade-off...

I'm just trying something new right now, trying to make some things right, really be on top of things for some peace of mind when it comes to the workplace.

We'll see how it plays out...

When it doesn't feel like a new day...

Still tired from yesterday.

Was out all day from before 9am until getting back about 7pm. General clean-up at work. Nearly 40 volunteers all came out on a rainy day to help us purge and re-organize our buildings and offices. Very thankful!

Then it was going to sanshin practice late... and feeling very sleepy through most of it. When I got home, I just ate and coulda fallen asleep.... I missed my honey and wanted to just connect, but something was off. I just wanted to relax, he was trying to get me to retire for the night. He was probably right, but it kind of annoyed me and so the day did not end quite as I'd hoped. But I was in bed just after 9, and even that was pushing it.

There was some residual tension from the workday. I think that accounts for the exhaustion more than the actual physical work we did. Part of what I wrote about earlier.

Last night I had a very jumbled, tension-filled dream. One that usually lets me know there is a lot going on internally. I ended up waking up feeling sad and scared but relieved that it had been a dream.

So I'm mulling over the day yesterday, with my honey still asleep, and trying to figure out how to start my day inspired instead of troubled...

Monday is one of my long days schedule-wise but I have not been able to actually keep up with it for a few weeks. Right after work, I have yoga scheduled (private group practice) and then I'm supposed to go to Ryukyu dance practice after that. Usually I don't get home until close to midnight. It's really a little bit too hard on me, which is funny because those things are actually for my own health and self-development.

Not getting to dance practice puts a stressor on me, too. I feel I am letting my sensei down as well as myself...

So a lot of struggling and "shoulds" that really stress me out at the moment.

I think I'm going to go stretch and do some meditation before starting the day... Restless now...

When not in Rome, do I still have to do as the Romans do?

So much for NaBoPloMo!

Alas, just have to keep writing whenever possible, methinks... No worries about frequency at this point.

This has been a difficult week. Things are still churning in the brain and in the heart and just the spirit in general. All I can say is thank goodness for having a partner that is articulate, insightful and can listen.... most of the time! Hee, hee.... we've been having some difficult conversations as well, but in the end, our communication is honest, raw and challenging and while I think sometimes it could be easier if he and I were more like, I am in awe of how powerful connecting with another human being can be. Humbled, really.

And that is a bit of the rub these days...

I feel my partner and I are like an example of diplomatic relations between nations that want similar things, but believe there are different means to achieve, yet want to do so peacefully and understand the importance of alliances.... of nations committed to on-going serious and thoughtful communication...

I was high school when I attended a human relations camp dedicated to communication and social issues, I found out quickly a few basic truths in order for effective communication:

1. Understand yourself - where you're coming from
2. Understand how others perceive you
3. Understand/Know how you perceive others
4. Understand others - where they're coming from

"Understanding" is a very general term, though... It encompasses a person's background, their values, their communication style, their sensitivities. And it must be done with compassion, with yourself as well as others.

Compassion can be a hard one, though... something to expand on some other time.

I saw in action these dynamic and exciting results in coalition building and personal relationships when I was about 16 and so began to adopt as my own style the need for direct and honest, yet compassionate communication. I practiced and saw in action while at college and even when I first started working.

So, it's very odd to be in a situation where I've been stumped at how to communicate to resolve problems. I encountered this while living in Okinawa. I wrote many a journal entry at my frustrations, my struggle with being able to connect with local people and being able to also express myself. I had to learn from scratch, a whole new dynamic to communication. I thought I had started to navigate it well...

Upon returning to the US, I realized, indeed I had, for suddenly I couldn't communicate very well with my friends. I had adapted to something different and was stumbling over an area that used to be quite intuitive with me. That (as a form of reverse culture shock) was a major part of why I was very withdrawn and becoming depressed upon returning. I think it took quite a long while to finally feel like a fully "participating" person, American even.

That is why my current situation in which I find I cannot communicate with some folks are proving very difficult. It may be a hybrid or maybe it's the exact things happening in Okinawa all over again. Perhaps I should just give that more thought. It will make my work more stressful for I must maintain what I do well and naturally in order to further develop and expand areas in my work. However, my success or failure at maneuvering this unexpected environment deeply affects the scope of my work.

In Okinawa, well, it was "When in Rome, do what the Romans do."

Well, here I'm in the States..... And these Roman-like people are stumping me!

I'm fully aware this post probably doesn't make much sense. I hope I can fully write about this when it's successfully resolved. (That's right, feeling optimistic at the moment!)

Stretching the blogging muscles

Oh, boy!

I had been thinking since last month about participating in the original National Blog Posting Month (or NaBloPoMo) which is November. I first tried it out in February of this year. And I enjoyed it!!! So what happened after that?

In any case, I am stretching and shaking out these cobwebs to try again, although it's already the 4th of November. Cannot help it. I want to write lately, and this is the perfect excuse.

This is just to announce to cyberspace that I'm back. Will write more later.

Trying to prevent my own nuclear meltdown!

I don't mean to make light of the serious nuclear plant situation in Japan.

I am sitting in the dark, trying to calm down. Trying to find resolutions to the causes of the stress I'm feeling. I refuse to just feel stress and succumb to it. Although it all feels like it's crashing down on me, I will try to focus on one thing, let the fear coast and then try to detach and find the source or a solution. If that won't happen immediately, focus on something else...

Yesterday afternoon I was in such an idyllic state because I'd spent a lunch in the company of some very interesting people. Also, being able to have time with Terukina-sensei, my sanshin sensei from Okinawa, and his wife is just simply heavenly good. I'm flooded with memories of all of my wonderful time spent in Okinawa...

And the practice was not quite what I expected, but still such a nostalgic blast back. The stories and explanations, his style of teaching. Such quality and truly humbled. Even if he wasn't a National Living Treasure, I know I'm in the presence of a true artist.

The end of the night as I was trying to lock up, the feelings of dread and panic started to set in. Then I had a stupid accident where I completely soaked my lyric book, tickets, CHECKs and cash!!! I've been drying them out all night. I need to make deposits so that we can pay some bills this weekend!

This is only a fifth of what I did!

And then a few other things happened that just rendered me completely mentally drained and exhausted and starting to feel really like I was alone, which is ridiculous since I'm not in this alone!!! I waited for Sterling to come home, and sure enough, as soon as I saw him, I started to tear and just needed a long hug. It was midnight, we were standing outdoors, he was trying to unload his car from his two long appointments this evening.

I managed to set up the heating dish to start drying out the money and put my list of things to do away and just lay with him and let it flow. We talk about not stopping feelings up because they can manifest in physical problems.

After I had finished trying to make sense of my feelings of overwhelm and exhaustion, he looked grim. I had to ask, what was he thinking. He just quietly said, this stress is not good. He went on to remind me that there are other teachers who are also wanting to count on me for productions in the future, that because I'm the type that won't say no, years and years of this kind of on-going stress is not good. He paused and said, now if you were also developing yourself in these areas, that's another thing, but it looks like you're just busy with administrative tasks.

I had to think about that. No wait. Scratch that. I will think about that, LATER. I do recognize that I am in a position to get things done, but it's not leadership or recognition that I seek, but really, just what he said. To learn the arts, to learn more about myself. I can hear the argument that performance in art is part of the process. Perhaps, but I think if I could for a while, I would want to be an artist, deepening my understanding and skill for the art's sake, and not because I could share it with an audience.

Also, I realize that there are streaks of envy in me that I have to acknowledge, but not let consume. My inadequacies and feelings of regret (why didn't I study harder, why didn't I come back with my Yuushuusho certificate, why couldn't I feel more confident in Sensei's belief in my ability while I was in Okinawa?)--these also started to plague me last night.

This morning, I must focus on specific tasks that must need to be done, but I do need to incorporate some of the corrections and suggestions that Sensei made to Lynde's and my "solo" for the show on Saturday. If only that's all I had to worry about!

I know there are people who are willing to help if I ask them. I just have to find the tasks that I can truly give up--or just make sure that I'm not the only one with all of the information!

Breathing and keeping my biggest fan close by for hugs and words of encouragement, and relying on friends are what will get me through today. There is a Rehearsal/Welcome Party tonight that still has some loose ends. Wish me luck, and send me calm vibes. This is part of the journey, this is part of the journey, part of the journey...

Terukina-sensei has what's called a "Yaruki Shinkun" - tenets of the heart that help in developing one's self in uta-sanshin, as well as in life.

It goes something like this:
(thanks to my friend, Jodie Ching, who provided me with the translation)

YARUKI SHINKUN

(Loose translation: lessons of the heart)

YAREBA DEKIRU.
If you try, you can do it.

WATASHI WA YARU.
I will do it.

YUUKI O MOTTE.
Have courage.

JISHIN O MOTTE.
Have confidence.

SHUUI NI SAYU SARERU NA.
Do not let things distract you.

YUME O TASSEI SURU MADE WA KESHITE YAMENAI.
Do not stop until the dream is attained.

IMA SUGU YARU.
I will do it now. 

It may not completely fit where I am today - I need the social support more than the internal drive, I think, but I'm trying at the beginning. If I try, I can do it. I will do it. I suspect Courage and Confidence will need to kick in about tomorrow, hee, hee!

Part of the Solution

It's quite late... but needed to post something...

Hindsight is 20/20, that's for sure. Much things can be gleaned from going over the past and re-tracing one's steps. Through examining how things contributed to misunderstandings or compounded a sensitive situation, perhaps it's very easy to see how a different action or reaction might have led to a different outcome.

Everyone has differing perceptions. And perception is reality. So how many realities can there be? Multiple. It's a wonder we can have successful relationships at all, given it's possible that we are all interpreting things differently!

Alas.

Since we cannot control or demand another to see something our way, simply because we believe it to be true, the next best thing is to listen intently and with the desire to connect with the other person. By understanding another person's perceptions, so might we learn to have more compassion, empathy, and even patience.

When speaking to a dear friend about regrets I had tonight, and areas that I felt I needed to take responsibility for, she gently offered back, think of it now as being part of the solution.

I am hopeful.

Returning to Okinawa (NaBloPoMo #28)

Four interns: Teppei (top 2nd from left), Sei (top 2nd from right), Atsumi (top right), Chiho (front 3rd from left)

Alas, the interns from Okinawa are wenting.... It was a short/long period. Sweet young adults, sincere and soaking in what they can...

I unfortunately did not get to know the two interns from LTSC as well, but the two who were at the Okinawa Association were simply the best. Did they do much work? No. That was a point that was not lost on any of us. However, what I think they did get was the chimugukuru - that Okinawan spirit - of the Uchinanchu community here in Los Angeles. From all the ladies who would take them out, shower them with gifts, take them to their homes... to the younger members of our association that went out of their way to gather for dinner, karaoke, late night donut runs, shopping and even a film shoot... to the families that hosted them and treated them at fancy places.... They certainly met an array of folks. It touched my heart to see members and leaders of our group really step up and show our interns such hospitality.

There's something about watching young 20-something students who are still growing up, still trying to make sense of the world that brings pangs to the heart as well as a general excitement and anticipation at their potential and the thought of the growth they will encounter.

I really wish I could have spent more time with them, but my life has changed much in which my time is occupied differently. I mourn that part of my life sometimes, like times like these, but know that I did what I could and that I hope that I was able to make an impression on some part of their lives.