Trying to prevent my own nuclear meltdown!

I don't mean to make light of the serious nuclear plant situation in Japan.

I am sitting in the dark, trying to calm down. Trying to find resolutions to the causes of the stress I'm feeling. I refuse to just feel stress and succumb to it. Although it all feels like it's crashing down on me, I will try to focus on one thing, let the fear coast and then try to detach and find the source or a solution. If that won't happen immediately, focus on something else...

Yesterday afternoon I was in such an idyllic state because I'd spent a lunch in the company of some very interesting people. Also, being able to have time with Terukina-sensei, my sanshin sensei from Okinawa, and his wife is just simply heavenly good. I'm flooded with memories of all of my wonderful time spent in Okinawa...

And the practice was not quite what I expected, but still such a nostalgic blast back. The stories and explanations, his style of teaching. Such quality and truly humbled. Even if he wasn't a National Living Treasure, I know I'm in the presence of a true artist.

The end of the night as I was trying to lock up, the feelings of dread and panic started to set in. Then I had a stupid accident where I completely soaked my lyric book, tickets, CHECKs and cash!!! I've been drying them out all night. I need to make deposits so that we can pay some bills this weekend!

This is only a fifth of what I did!

And then a few other things happened that just rendered me completely mentally drained and exhausted and starting to feel really like I was alone, which is ridiculous since I'm not in this alone!!! I waited for Sterling to come home, and sure enough, as soon as I saw him, I started to tear and just needed a long hug. It was midnight, we were standing outdoors, he was trying to unload his car from his two long appointments this evening.

I managed to set up the heating dish to start drying out the money and put my list of things to do away and just lay with him and let it flow. We talk about not stopping feelings up because they can manifest in physical problems.

After I had finished trying to make sense of my feelings of overwhelm and exhaustion, he looked grim. I had to ask, what was he thinking. He just quietly said, this stress is not good. He went on to remind me that there are other teachers who are also wanting to count on me for productions in the future, that because I'm the type that won't say no, years and years of this kind of on-going stress is not good. He paused and said, now if you were also developing yourself in these areas, that's another thing, but it looks like you're just busy with administrative tasks.

I had to think about that. No wait. Scratch that. I will think about that, LATER. I do recognize that I am in a position to get things done, but it's not leadership or recognition that I seek, but really, just what he said. To learn the arts, to learn more about myself. I can hear the argument that performance in art is part of the process. Perhaps, but I think if I could for a while, I would want to be an artist, deepening my understanding and skill for the art's sake, and not because I could share it with an audience.

Also, I realize that there are streaks of envy in me that I have to acknowledge, but not let consume. My inadequacies and feelings of regret (why didn't I study harder, why didn't I come back with my Yuushuusho certificate, why couldn't I feel more confident in Sensei's belief in my ability while I was in Okinawa?)--these also started to plague me last night.

This morning, I must focus on specific tasks that must need to be done, but I do need to incorporate some of the corrections and suggestions that Sensei made to Lynde's and my "solo" for the show on Saturday. If only that's all I had to worry about!

I know there are people who are willing to help if I ask them. I just have to find the tasks that I can truly give up--or just make sure that I'm not the only one with all of the information!

Breathing and keeping my biggest fan close by for hugs and words of encouragement, and relying on friends are what will get me through today. There is a Rehearsal/Welcome Party tonight that still has some loose ends. Wish me luck, and send me calm vibes. This is part of the journey, this is part of the journey, part of the journey...

Terukina-sensei has what's called a "Yaruki Shinkun" - tenets of the heart that help in developing one's self in uta-sanshin, as well as in life.

It goes something like this:
(thanks to my friend, Jodie Ching, who provided me with the translation)

YARUKI SHINKUN

(Loose translation: lessons of the heart)

YAREBA DEKIRU.
If you try, you can do it.

WATASHI WA YARU.
I will do it.

YUUKI O MOTTE.
Have courage.

JISHIN O MOTTE.
Have confidence.

SHUUI NI SAYU SARERU NA.
Do not let things distract you.

YUME O TASSEI SURU MADE WA KESHITE YAMENAI.
Do not stop until the dream is attained.

IMA SUGU YARU.
I will do it now. 

It may not completely fit where I am today - I need the social support more than the internal drive, I think, but I'm trying at the beginning. If I try, I can do it. I will do it. I suspect Courage and Confidence will need to kick in about tomorrow, hee, hee!

Part of the Solution

It's quite late... but needed to post something...

Hindsight is 20/20, that's for sure. Much things can be gleaned from going over the past and re-tracing one's steps. Through examining how things contributed to misunderstandings or compounded a sensitive situation, perhaps it's very easy to see how a different action or reaction might have led to a different outcome.

Everyone has differing perceptions. And perception is reality. So how many realities can there be? Multiple. It's a wonder we can have successful relationships at all, given it's possible that we are all interpreting things differently!

Alas.

Since we cannot control or demand another to see something our way, simply because we believe it to be true, the next best thing is to listen intently and with the desire to connect with the other person. By understanding another person's perceptions, so might we learn to have more compassion, empathy, and even patience.

When speaking to a dear friend about regrets I had tonight, and areas that I felt I needed to take responsibility for, she gently offered back, think of it now as being part of the solution.

I am hopeful.

Returning to Okinawa (NaBloPoMo #28)

Four interns: Teppei (top 2nd from left), Sei (top 2nd from right), Atsumi (top right), Chiho (front 3rd from left)

Alas, the interns from Okinawa are wenting.... It was a short/long period. Sweet young adults, sincere and soaking in what they can...

I unfortunately did not get to know the two interns from LTSC as well, but the two who were at the Okinawa Association were simply the best. Did they do much work? No. That was a point that was not lost on any of us. However, what I think they did get was the chimugukuru - that Okinawan spirit - of the Uchinanchu community here in Los Angeles. From all the ladies who would take them out, shower them with gifts, take them to their homes... to the younger members of our association that went out of their way to gather for dinner, karaoke, late night donut runs, shopping and even a film shoot... to the families that hosted them and treated them at fancy places.... They certainly met an array of folks. It touched my heart to see members and leaders of our group really step up and show our interns such hospitality.

There's something about watching young 20-something students who are still growing up, still trying to make sense of the world that brings pangs to the heart as well as a general excitement and anticipation at their potential and the thought of the growth they will encounter.

I really wish I could have spent more time with them, but my life has changed much in which my time is occupied differently. I mourn that part of my life sometimes, like times like these, but know that I did what I could and that I hope that I was able to make an impression on some part of their lives.

What I've Learned from Posting Daily for a Month (NaBloPoMo #27)

The time to post daily (National Blog Posting [for a] Month - NaBloPoMo) is coming to an end. I'm glad I did it, even though I chose the shortest month out of the year to give it a go. I didn't manage to actually get it done during the 24 hour period some of these should've been posted, but I managed to not get so behind. I posted twice in a day if I had to, just to catch up.

When I blogged while in Okinawa, my average post was probably several hundred words long. It would take a few hours to write, edit and arrange (music or photo links, etc.), but I would post maybe three times at the most in a week. To write daily, even when I didn't know what to write about what a good exercise in just flexing the writing muscle. The posts were much, much shorter due to time constraints. Some entries I really enjoyed writing, or felt really good about and the response to the posts seem to reflect that. Other entries were painful to hit the "publish" button because they were far, far, far from perfect. However, letting go was easier simply because the commitment to post daily was there. If I ran out of time, I just knew I had to let it go.

Letting go gets easier, just as starting a new action/habit does as well. I learned to "just do it" and that it works well for combating inertia, just as it is about loosening the grip and letting go.

I wish I could write everyday, but I think I will need to slow down after tomorrow. Especially as we are now a mere three weeks out from the show that I haven't yet even blogged about! These days are rapidly filling up and I know it's just going to keep speeding up.

I did get back in touch with feeling comfortable about sharing my life again. Previously, I was living in another country and I was not in a relationship per se at the time, so I could freely write about all of my thoughts and experiences without worrying too much about offending anyone. Now, I feel more private and that is actually a little difficult for me. I generally enjoy being open and sharing, so these protective feelings of privacy are very new... and, of course, I don't think that others in my life (with whom I now live in the same country with) or my significant other would necessarily appreciate writing about everything happening in my life where they are concerned..

I did remember how good it feels to write, to find the words to capture my thoughts and feelings. This was less about producing good writing as it was about "just doing it"... I am looking forward to continuing to do so after nearly five years of absence.

I am grateful for the feedback that some of you have been giving me and I appreciate those that have encouraged the writing and sharing. One final post and then we shall see....!

My prayers tonight (NaBloPoMo #26)

A hard journey with lots of growth and the glimpse of a new unimagined, but wonderful outcome...

Another long day... another full day. A day full of some emotional moments, with much communication, more understanding... I wish I could go into details, but cannot...

It is hard to watch my love struggle with not being able to play a bigger part in his son's life. It is a transition, I feel, but knowing that does not make things easier.

I am just watching as a bystander, waiting for a chance to play a supporting role for all players. Will I be the "wicked" or more like the dismissed "third wheel?"

I can only work on being as loving, as open, as patient, and as understanding as I can.... I know I will fall short at times, but I do want to be a catalyst of some sort to help heal the pain and to strengthen and forge their relationship so that it is satisfying for my love as well as meaningful and treasured by his son.

So that his son might know that his father loves him so very much, although not in his daily life. That he can call on his father at any time and his father would come running or do what is in his power to help him.  That he would come to understand his father's gifts and talents and therefore his life, and come to look up to and respect the man that his father is.

Much easier said than done, but praying for it to be so.

Taco Rice! (NaBloPoMo #25)

Taco Rice!

We had taco rice tonight. No, it's not as bizarre as it seems. This is a dish that was created in Okinawa (as the story goes) by a restaurant owner whose small eatery was located near one of the US military bases (I've read it was in Kin near Camp Hansen). He decided to try mixing the mexican taco ingredients over rice and voila! Taco Rice was born.

Basically, it's ground beef taco filling (just add seasoning), lettuce, cheese, tomatoes and salsa over a bed of rice. In Okinawa, there was one shop called Tacos-Ya that I would go to frequently to order the taco rice. They had the perfect containers that lined the ground beef completely over the rice with the bed of cheese nicely melting atop. The salsa was pretty good, too.

So, I've been trying to get Sterling to try it, but he wasn't convinced that it could be tasty. In fact, most people don't. When my friend Koki from Peru took me to the Tacos-Ya on Kokusai Street in Naha in Okinawa, I was skeptical. But one bite and I was hooked. I remember I would go through the same thing each time I introduced it to someone else. In fact, one visit, I tried to get my sister to go, but she kept putting it off. I finally bought one for her to take on the plane when she was leaving Okinawa. She called me as soon as she landed in Tokyo to rave about the taco rice. I told her so!

So, Sterling being Sterling, he did finally give in, but with his more experienced skills, he added garlic, habaneros and onions to the ground beef (two pounds). We added two packets of taco seasoning, and besides the cheese, lettuce and tomatoes, we also chopped up some avocado and added crushed corn chips (mostly for texture context - thanks to the Kurashige's who showed me that one - not originally in Okinawa).

I am happy to report, Sterling thought it was very  tasty and is trying to convince me that he knew all along it would be good. We got some nice hot salsa to top it all off. I figure in the future, we'll experiment with making our own salsa, too.

Anyway, score one for me!

Nighttime Fried Rice (NaBloPoMo #24)

Nephews slumbering.... notice they kinda hold hands, too? Cute!

Lately, I have been having some very vivid dreams.

Sterling and I have begun to call it "fried rice" - like how fried rice is often made with leftover ingredients, all thrown together, all mixed up. In that way, dreams are often the brain's way of taking the residual "unresolveds" of the day and trying to make sense or possibly trying to solve or understand a situation or event. All the loose ends, the lingering thoughts, the delightful and not-so's all make up some wonderful movie reel that has us hooked.

In the morning, we do the post-mortem:  "Did you have fried rice last night?" and if so, we do a re-cap. As we share our dreams out loud, we see the things that get incorporated in the dream from the previous day's events, some very innocent, or a conversation or a visual that neatly and seamlessly fit. Or so it seems during the dream. Often when trying to explain the dream, it's easy to see somethings are not so logical in the waking world.

Reliving dreams regularly is a way of also getting to know what the brain is processing - some long-term or possibly deep-seated issues - or to understand what various symbols are recurring nocturnally. What might seem innocuous actually stands out in the grey matter.

These days, I wake up remembering at least two dreams and they can be quite bizarre. It can be quite amusing, of course, and really, if I were an artist, maybe I could sketch something that could be a backdrop to a painting or something that could be captured on film. For now, I am enjoying the fried rice and enjoying seeing how my brain puts it all together.

Sometimes I look forward to what my dreams will have in store. I haven't exercised it as much, but I want to work on actually "programming" my brain to work on certain solutions... Directing it, or becoming a master chef, I guess!